No, really...

I was thinking about one of the earlier posts on this blog from my blog partner. The one about reality tv. The one I never responded to. The one I am about to.

Want to know something funny about "reality" television? As a watcher of so-called "sheep television", I realize it is, in fact, scripted. And I'm okay with that...BECAUSE I know it isn't real. I mean, I COULD liken it to Wrestling (what is it now? WWE, right? Used to be WWF until those assholes from the World Wildlife Fund realized that more people were dogpiling--heh. Remember *that* search engine?--wrestlers than pandas, right? Anyway...) and the trumped up drama related to them. Everyone knows it isn't real, but who cares? It's all for entertainment anyway. It's like watching any old tv show, if the characters are interesting and the story is a good one, viewers will keep tuning in.

That being said...I have tuned out of most reality tv these days. Personally I don't care about self-important and spoiled little shits getting blitzed and humping around while pretending to be productive members of society. Jesus H. Monkeypoo, if that's an indication, the state of society is in worse shape than I thought...and I'm going back to my point before I need some wine at 9 in the morning. To get drunk. Not for communion. Don't get me wrong...I find that shit funny as hell when I see a clip on The Soup of some Jersey girl getting jacked in the mouth or that one couple who is famous for being famous acting as tho they have 2 working brain cells between them. (P.S. They don't.) But those shows are really only one kind of reality show.

Sure, we can count those reality show contests (I'm pointing at you, Top Chef) in the same broad group, but honestly, those are far more like a lingering, slow-paced sporting event. And everyone likes to root for and against someone. And groan and moan and coach from the couch when your guy isn't fucking getting rid of the ball like he thinks he has all fucking day to find a receiver but instead he's just gonna get sacked for the 4th time that game and you see it coming because that's what's he's done all damn game and are they ever gonna win another game this season and you start having flashbacks to when the team was the biggest joke in the league and there goes the headache behind your eye and here come the cold sweats and maybe you better just lay down for a little while. Did I ever open that wine?

Um, back to reality tv. You know what reality tv did that no one thought was possible?? It killed soap operas! Used to be, one had to watch that drivel to get one's fix of dysfunctional people who were clearly more fucked up than me...erm, one. (Shut up, it's a total ego boost to know there are people clearly more insane than you out there.**) Now, there are plenty of people vying for their 15 minutes who sign a contract and act a fool and aren't REALLY acting, but sorta are because they are told what to react to and where to go and what to do. (New era soaps, anyone?)

For better or worse, Reality Shows aren't going anywhere anytime soon. And frankly, one kind in particular would just about kill me if it left my viewing world. Because, Stig, I don't know if you realize this or not, but Ghost Hunters and Destination Truth are ALSO reality tv. And if you are gonna try and bitch about the Great Gates being on tv, I will go all WWF...and that's wrestler, not panda...on you.

**No, I am not a soap opera fan. I spent one year watching ONE soap with a friend because it was ridiculous and I don't even remember the characters names. Okay, I totally do, but come on!! Did anyone else watch Passions?? There was an effing witch who made herself a midget poppet doll that came to life on it! One of the houses got sucked into HELL! There were demons just about once a week! And the devil himself showed up once and personally gave Mrs. Goody Two Shoes an evil makeover. One couple brought a donkey into their bedroom for fun and games. Man, I miss that show...

V or as I'd like to call it "Another show bites the dust"

Some people say his liver tastes like Doritos, others say his fingers if licked are hotter than the fabled ghost chilli, but here we just call him The Stig.

I just finished watching the pilot to the new V mini series and quite frankly there's only one thing I can really say about it.

Nothing is sacred, nothing at all.

To me what I watched is about as much V as the new Battlestar Galactica was to me. Now I know there are millions of you out there that watched Battlestar and thought it was awesome and believe you me I gave that one a fighting chance as well, but it was something else entirely and did little to capture the essence of what made the original fun to watch, but I digress. This blog isn't about that show it's about the new V.

*sigh*

Visitors vs. Resistance who will win this battle for Earth? Do I really care at this point? If this show carries on the way the pilot did (if the writers and producers and whom ever else is attached to this show are on that planet) actually no I don't. I hope the Visitors put everyone on the planet in stasis, fry up a few wings and dine on their assess. Well not actually their asses that would be good for a slow roast or maybe even some smoking. Instead I suggest the brain. I mean after all with these characters and writers (whom I'm still saying live on that world so I don't have to believe they live on mine) are soft and mush like jello or tapioca pudding. Actually a drill and a straw and you have one hell of a snack on the space trip back to V'world.

*sigh*

Gabriel

Watching the movie Gabriel. Sigh. It's tedious already with the overacting and tired hooks of the plotline. I hate that. I truly do. I read a description of a movie and find myself intrigued. Only to face bitter disappointment that the potential of the story is not realized. Not even a little bit. Less than 15 minutes in and I am ready to pull the plug on it. My viewing partner is not. So, we're still watching. (Well, I am...he conveniently had to go downstairs and answer the phone.) So, the main guy, the "arc angel" (yes, that's how they spelled it) Gabriel.just fought someone who looked for all the world like he crawled out of Dark City via The Descent. Stabbing didn't slow him, but bullets finally did.

Then he went to chat up some junkie guy...I'm not real clear on why. Or who this "she" he was referring to trying to find.

(An aside...I just found out that my viewing partner's mother took their house phone to work with her yesterday in her purse. Why? No clue. *blink* And oh yeah, she thought Denver was located in Texas.)

There were some scenes with the baddies...some fallen angels? Or demons? Someone on Team Satan, I guess. But I have no idea what they were talking about because I couldn't get past Rasta Demon's sweet dreads and Hair Band Guy's uncanny resemblance to the guys from LA Guns.



(An aside: I was unaware Ben Stiller had a career as a crap hair metal band member. See far left of above photo.)

Oh, there "she" is! Getting harrassed as she leaves purga-college with her sweet messenger bag and pouty lips. I guess she's needed to save the day. Oh! And the junkie guy was Uriel.

Ewww..I didn't need that shot up the angel's nostril. I've learned something today. Purgatory is inhabited only by guys from Brooklyn, yo. And whores. Except for "She", I assume.

And now he's psychic? Wha? And who the fuck is this crispy guy going after "she"? And someone should have taught her...when you wear deep red lipstick, it brings attention to your mouth. Mostly your teeth. So when yours are bucked so badly that you could eat corn on the cob through a fence, DO NOT WEAR DEEP RED LIPSTICK. At least the crispy guy's teeth problems are simply makeup. I hope.

P.S. Dear Girl in purgatory being harassed by Team Satan, don't scream for help when being held by the throat by said Team Satan harasser. It only gets you bitch slapped. Which you obviously can't handle, cause you are now out like a light and with a lovely bruise on your mouth. Now that you are awake, and wishing to go back to work, you should maybe know that only a very select clientele want to fuck a bruised up skank with what looks like bruise herpes on her mouth. You might want to take a sick day, honey.

Wait...just how do "arc angels" have sex? Cause that looked pretty satisfying for Gabe. Oh..."She" is an angel, too? Well, that explains her being a junkie/whore. Being an angel is haaaaaaaaaard. "Gabriel and Other One, stop talking!"

Why do only the bad girls get the good clothes? Oh. Cause they have to fuck Keith Richards...I mean, demons. And oh, Gabe is a little bit freaky. He likes to watch...oh. Nevermind. He's just watching "She" go mental on the rooftop of Dark Cit--er, Purgatory.

Well, well...Gabe has a Boomstick and he's not afraid to use it. On other "Arcs" apparently. I missed his name, but he has a sweet BeeGees 'do. Oh, this movie is picking up, there might be some hot boy on boy angel action...oh. Nevermind. Pussies.

(I had to step away for a phone call this time. Ahhh...I feel blessed.)

What'd I miss? Basically Gabe healed Raphael and Ralph told him what the what was. Big Bad is able to tap into everyone's power and that's why everyone else is failing. So, Gabe is the man with a plan. Take out the fallen one by one. Obviously, Michael was the "Arc" in line for brains, leaving none for the rest of the guys.

Ah...strobe lighting during the big showdown. Way to save on the special effects costs, guys! Rasta Demon's hair is still mesmerizing. Mostly bald. And blonde. Dreads. Like they made the hairpiece too small for the guy they cast. It's awesome.

"Sacrifice is what victory is measured upon." Wise words, Demon LA Gun (Aka Whitey...on account of his wanna be creepy white eyes. They just look like bad poser contacts to me, but hey, I wouldn't have given "She" red lipstick either. So what do I know?) Red Hot Chili Demon should have just listened to you. Then you wouldn't have had to slam his head down on the table.

Wait. So we missed out on gratuitous sex but we get to watch someone piss on a tire? Gross.

Oh, nice. One of the baddies disguised himself as a Stumbly Joe to get at one of the "Arcs". Good work, Team Satan. That's using your noodle. Even tho you have to eat watery soup and moldy bread where it smells like pee. It's a good plan. Bomb in a bag. It just never gets old, does it?

Apparently, Michael went thru an abrupt altitude change when the rest of the "Arcs" died. Cause instead of flipping out, he just sat there trying to pop his ears. Oh, I get it. Maybe he "fell" further. Heh. Get it?

You know, the deaths would be way better if it wasn't just guns.

Uh oh...Gabe is mad now...and has the red eyes to prove it. Not to mention the Boomstick.

I think Red Hot Chili Demon just hit on Gabe. He responded with a pretty sweet buckshot answer to RHCD's eye. He just wants to skull fuck him, I guess.

Running. Running. Running in a hallway. God's answer to challenging

And wow. Darryl Hannah from Bladerunner cleaned up nice. Into someone else vaguely familiar. But with that weird mouth jowl, puffy, like your pimp beats you for not having his money but it's really just the weird way your muscles get big and strong when you blow a lot of guys. Yeah. That look. I think I know her from a porno.

And here we go with the gratuitous sex scene. Finally! Jeez, I thought I'd completely misjudged this movie. So much for premarital sex being a sin. I guess angels get a pass on that one?

Are we sure this isn't Hell? For Purgatory the music sucks an awful lot.

Oh, here comes the big showdown. I love it when the Bad Guy Monologue gets all muddled and preachy.

And there's the twist! Big Bad is actually a Good! It's Michael, dun dun dah!!! Didn't stop Gabe from offing his turncoat ass, tho. Well, trying to. Til Mikey went all Godfathery on him.

I love it when stalking fights happen and one guy is yelling out the whole time. Isn't that naive? I mean, just because they can't tell what direction noises come from, doesn't mean no one can. And nice job, Mike! Swinging for the fences pays off against Super Arc Gabe...who went down shockingly easily. I'm sure our Rocky moment is coming tho.

Wait. What? The message of this movie is Free Will? Since when do Angels have free will? I would have thought it was Mike's inability to quit Gabe.

And what a fantastic way to ruin a moment in a movie. Big Bad's contacts were crooked. Sigh. Will the shoddiness of failure to pay attention to details in movie making never cease? UGH! There's another one! Dead Michael's PULSE still going strong in his neck. For fuck's sake, special effects guys. Notice these things!!

Flash Forward to good times

So, I watched the premiere episode of Flash Forward on Sunday. (I had it dvr'd and that was when could get to it. I never do anything in a timely manner. Shut up.) All in all, I was impressed. I can forgive a whole lot in a pilot episode. Usually they haven't hit their stride or launched *quite* the feel they'll have in coming episodes, when the meat of the story gets good and juicy.

(Huh. There's an analogy there...a pilot is kinda like the charred ends of a steak that no one with any real sense or taste would eat anyway cause it's over-cooked and tastes like shoe. Instead, those with discerning palates wait until the knife gets toward the center where the tender, flavorful, juicy meat awaits. But no one should truly BLAME the cook for that icky overdone mess at the ends, because it is the nature of the fire. Or network.)

Okay, so all in all, it was pretty acceptable. There were a few bits that were a little ridiculous or unbelievable. Certainly there were a few moments that should have been done COMPLETELY differently. But likewise there were moments that made me want more. And any time a TV show does that (Thank you, Supernatural. I heart you.) I vote that it is well worth forgiveness on the little things. So, here's a list of the good and the bad.

The Bad -
1. WTF was up with the slow-mo running thru the city to "check on his family" after the world blew up? First of all, there is no way an FBI agent is going to leave that kind of mayhem in the lurch to go check on his family. That's what the brainwashing, er, training is for. Second, he runs thru an effing puddle RIGHT NEXT to a downed power line. And he LIVES...to run in slow-mo another day. Sigh. Third, and this is the biggie, slow motion? Really, Director? Really??! No...really??!?! Why pull viewers out of the moment like that? Drama? So a destroyed Los Angeles wasn't enough drama? Then up the ante there. Which brings me to my next Bad.
2. Was every single person driving a car in that time barreling down the road at a breakneck speed right for another car or a tree or light-post or whatever? I mean, I personally know someone who was stopped at a stoplight at the moment that she lost consciousness due to a brain tumor and all she did was roll out into the road. No one was even around for a couple of moments to help her. I bet that happened, too. By which I mean very little death and dismemberment. Sucks for those people flying, tho, huh? The fear of it happening again prolly would do more to ruin the airline industry than even 9/11 in reality. Which brings me to my next point...
3. The reactions of those who managed to escape death by some miracle of not being ehind the wheel of a car seems a little...okay, A LOT...meh. "The entire world blacked out and everyone got a glimpse of their personal future!" "Meh. I gotta go back to my cubicle and fax some stuff. Hopefully Dan in the Dayton office didn't bite it on the freeway like all those other people. Hey, maybe this means I'll get a promotion." People just seemed a little...oh, I dunno...underwhelmed, I guess. The moment that illustrated it best is when the two docs are talking in a quiet, uncrowded hospital that very same day. Um. Yeah, right.
4. Stereotypes. Slutty, hot babysitter who really just wants to be a good girl (anyone else find it gross that she was fucking some douchebag on the couch while the kid slept with the door open?); homophobic groom with cold feet; recovering alcoholic FBI agent; wise-beyond-her-years preschooler able to articulate a moment even adults would find nearly impossible to define (don't forget the fact that it was THE hook that she chimed in with); black guys looting.

The Good -
1. The taste of the characters lives BEFORE the "moment" was nice.
2. We have had a glimpse of one of the bad guys. That one guy awake during all of it...who actually looks a hell of a lot like the little icu kid's dad/doc wife's new lovah to me.
3. Enough of a revelation of clues (ie: the bulletin board) to keep us actively looking for things in future episodes and trying to piece it together.
4. A solid date in the future for stuff to go down. Woot! After years of watching LOST and Battlestar Galactica, you have NO idea how welcome that is. It almost brought tears of joy to my eyes when the date of the future visions was announced.


I'm sure there's plenty I'm forgetting to mention, but see my note below for an explanation. Summing things up, I'm anticipating upcoming episodes being better than the first, which was pretty darn good to begin with.

(As I'm typing this, I am on the phone with my blog partner who is tapping out the rhythm from The Master on Doctor Who...see the Sound of Drums episode and it's very disconcerting! Blame him for how disjointed this reads.)

Ding, ding, ding! We have a winner!

Some people say he could kick a football so fast and far he'd have only 1.6 seconds to turn around and catch it. We only know he's called The Stig.

I'm a boxing fan and I'm not ashamed to say it, but this morning MMA gets the big time TKO. Now don't get me wrong I do like mixed martial arts as well, but no where near as much as I like watching boxing.

Yes they do both have their ups and downs. Boxing can be boring when you watch two guys who have no business in the same ring dance and hold for twelve rounds. MMA well there you can have the same but for 3-5 rounds or you can have the Mike Tyson effect where the fight is twenty five minutes shorter than the fighters entrances.

Now more to the point of this rant. I've seen my fair share of bumps, bruises, cuts and gashes while watching both and up until about 10:49 am on this fine Sunday the uncrowned king of the bad was Vitali Klitschko's near eye removal at the hands of Lennox Lewis. Okay so it wasn't that bad and he would have won the fight had it continued. That all changed in an instant with this exchange between a fighter and someone on the medical staff of the Ultimate Fighter...I may be getting it slightly wrong but you get the point. I'll set up the scene. Fighter on the table, medic getting ready to stitch up what can only be called the Grand Canyon of cuts right about his right eye. Needle ready to inject a local...

Medic "I'm sure you don't have a fracture there."

Fighter "Why? 'cause you can see the bone?"

Medic "Affirmative."

It gives me shivers just thinking about it. I wish I could remember the fighters name, but in the end he lost and it doesn't really matter. I know I'm harsh that way, but we'll more than likely never be seeing him again..unless in re-runs.

Josh Gates is dreamy...

I could make this entire blog an obsessive fan love letter to him. But I won't. (Because that would make me seem crazy.)

So, the second episode of the season was on this week. I was pleased to find out that the theory I formed when I watched my second episode ever was once more upheld as true. Every episode is better than the last. And I will be watching this one again as often as possible until the new episode.


In this episode the gang found themselves in Mexico...and apparently freaked out by dolls. Well, Mexican Island of the Dolls dolls.

Especially the ones that open and close their eyes on their own.
(I'm sorta with them on this one. That mess was just not right.)

The bonus part of this episode was that Tango and Steve from Ghost Hunters were on hand to help Josh decipher the (ahem) evidence that was gathered in with the creepy, creepy Mexi-dolls.

I want to go there and see those dolls altho I fear they would consume my soul. But then again, Anthony Bourdain visited there last season on No Reservations and he came away mostly unscathed. (Speaking of No Reservations, this week he was in Sardinia and featured maybe the grossest thing I have ever seen on his show. Even grosser than the barbecued pig anus. The explodes-when-you-cut-into-it-boiled-stomach-of-blood-and-bread was like a festive pinata of gore at a vampire's birthday. Ew.) I think I would survive at least. As long as no dolls actually demonstrated any supernatural creepiness anywhere near me. I expect the run of the mill creepy. See above picture. Altho you should watch the episode to see the epitome of creepy. Those dolls in night vision. *shudder.*

Do yourself a favor and get thee to hulu and watch it.

I don't mean to ignore the second case of the episode. It's just that the first was just so awesome! But the second is very educational. I learn new things from J.G. all the time. He asks the tough questions. "How drunk is too drunk to run a hardware store?" And he gives great advice, too. Like, "Buying a machete is a lot like buying a new car. Always take it for a test drive."

Oh, Josh, is there anyone better than you on television?

(Okay, maybe Sheriff Jack Carter, but unfortunately, he is fictional. Sigh.)

Season Finale

Some people say his tears are adhesive, but he never cries. We just know he's called The Stig.

I know actors and actresses, cast and crew, directors and the like all have lives, but do they know I don't care? I mean the nerve of it all! I sit here and invest my time watching, developing emotional attachments to characters and this is how they repay me? They just up and leave me one terrible night?!?

I ask you why do Jack Carter, those loveable Brits of Top Gear, the monsters from Monster Quest, the ufos from UFO Hunters and all my other televised family leave me all at once? Couldn't they stagger they're vacations leaving one or two of them to keep me company?

No instead I'm left crying in my pillow waiting, wishing that they'll come back to me and all too often they don't. :(

So now I sit hear inundated with new shows trying, failing to win me over. Off to cry until next year.